We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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