eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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