I could make wine with my vomit
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
