I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
