I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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