hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
