Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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