Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
