This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
