my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
