Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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