I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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