Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
