i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
