We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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