I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
