white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
