Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
