nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is this like a preordered booty call?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
