my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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