My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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