Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
