HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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