He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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