I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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