i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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