My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
