I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
