if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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