I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
