And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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