I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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