I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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