All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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