I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
