O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
