Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
