ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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