Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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