Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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