i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
