I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
