i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I pour the whiskey from now on
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
