Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
