What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
