if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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