Your mouth is God's brothel.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
