put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
