PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
