call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
