Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
