Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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